Losing my Religion
by BattleJoy W
Summary: A rarity in angst. Filia is the one angsty out.


Sorry. This isn't very good. I can do angst! Just not Slayers angst. It doesn't have enough anger, bitterness, and violent imagery to be a good example of my angst. Oh well.

I don't own Slayers and I don't own the song in this songfic. REM owns the song and some people over in Japan own Slayers.

  
  


*~*~*

Staring down the road I could not help but ask myself "What am I going to do? Why am I here?"

We are finally to Seyruun, which is a bit of a relief. After the boat ride, there were several week's worth of travel and I could barely participate in the lively conversations and joking of my companions. I just couldn't talk with the same questions running over and over in my mind. What will I do when I get to Seyruun and it's finally time to start to my new life? What am I going to do? I feel so lost. I have nothing besides an egg and two beastmen that I don't even know what to do with. And now I'm moving to a foreign land with all traces of my former life erased away.

  
  


Oh, life is bigger

It's bigger than you and you are not me 

The lengths that I will go to 

The distance in your eyes 

Oh, no I said too much, I said enough 

  
  


The decision to move to the area under the Old Monsters' Seal wasn't a very hard one. It may be a even more foreign culture than the human settlement's outside the seal but trade was much more healthy under the Seal. 

Plus, Amelia assures me that Seyruun is a very inviting and open-minded kingdom. Normally, I would put much credit in her opinion of it. She is princess of the kingdom and would naturally be very proud of it. Amelia, also, has the tendency to idealize things. But Lina and Zelgadis assure me that Amelia's opinion is a valid one in my case. Since I am a white and Holy magic user, I wouldn't have any problem. They also added that the small gold dragon community within the area might still be intact due to lost communication between it and the main gold dragon nation. 

Actually that comment really didn't figure into why I was going. Dragon are notoriously clannish. The whole Gold Dragon/Ancient Dragon Nation fiasco is proof of that.

The reason is that I'm no longer a priestess. I have to find a new livelihood, especially since I now have a child to raise.

It still sounds so odd and foreign to me. I'm now a mother.

I was on my way to meet the others and we were probably going to go see the city in the cool of the evening if everyone was feeling up to it.

The door to Crown Prince Philionel's study was slightly open. He was back early from some sort of official engagement. I was about to go in but I paused when I heard my name spoken and started to listen. Miss Lina and the others were already telling the Prince our adventures and the battle against Dark Star. 

I leaned against the wall, daring not interrupt the story, letting the memories wash over me. All the trying but happy moments they describe sometimes seem so long ago when in actually they were only a few months ago. 

Finally, they got to the end of the story, when we finally defeated DarkStar and we thought we had destroyed Valgaav as well. I remember the joy that I felt when I was given his egg to raise and give him another chance at a good life.

However, that elation frozen in my throat as I hear my friends give their opinion why I was taking care of Val. 

Crying silently, I ran to my room. 

I couldn't believe they said that!

  
  


That's me in the corner 

That's me in the spotlight

Losing my religion 

Trying to keep a view

And I don't know if I can do it

Oh, no I said too much, I haven't said enough 

  
  


How could they say that? That I'm only taking care of Val because of the 'sins' of my race? As if I'm incapable of rasing a child without my every motion dictated by my once superiors. I thought I left all that behind when I left my profession behind, yet here I am. Trying to stand on my own two feet and everyone still think me a cripple.

They can't fathom that I would take care of him out of kindness and not guilt. I just want him to have another good chance at life. I have no other ulterior motives.

Still enclosed in the maze of right and wrong, crime and punishment, war and peace that my people has tangled in since the beginning. Like string...

String.

Tangled. That's a good word to describe my mind right now. But not with because of my old people.

  
  


I thought that I heard you laughing 

I thought that I heard you sing 

I think I thought I saw you try 

  
  


Then I felt it, a slight chilling tingle that goes up my spine. I felt HIM. He's in my room yet again. The many inns laying in ruins on the road to Seyruun is a testament to his increasing inclination to ambush me in my room to impart his particular brand of "wisdom."

Him. Probably the only person that doesn't define me by the bounds once wrapped around me by my faith.

Because he has been instrumental in stripping them away.

"Go ahead, Xellos." I gasp while trying to discreetly wipe the tears from my eye. I know it was pointless. He can probably taste the pain radiating off of me more keenly than I can taste the salty droplets at the corners of my mouth. But I can't show him my tears. I've got to have a little dignity. 

I'm so tired of raging against him. I'll just stand here and take his abuse. Just get it over with. Don't put up a struggle. Hopefully he'll get bored and leave me to cry in peace.

"Go ahead and do what?" he asks innocently. Or as innocently as one would believe if they didn't know how blood-stained his hands are. But he would never turn them against me without order. Somehow I'm sure of that. I don't know how I know. But I do. I guess I know that I'm too amusing as a plaything.

"Do what you came here to do."

  
  


Every whisper, every waking hour 

I'm choosing my confessions 

Trying to keep my eye on you 

Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, for 

Oh, no I said too much, I said enough 

  
  


He chuckles, his voice low and whisper soft. "What do you know of my purposes?"

"Don't give me that." My lips twist into a vicious sneer to rival some that he would give me during one of these little reeducation lectures of his. "Do it and be done with it." 

How many of them have I endure him through these weeks, I think to myself. Time and time again, he would appear to tell me how much I needed to grow, needed to change my thinking, needed to open my eyes.

I chuckle hollowly at the irony of HIM telling me to "Open my eyes." He notices my smirk and tips his head to the side, curiously. He's actually quite handsome, in an odd sort of way. His whole manner, dress, looks, and even his voice seem to be perfectly designed to put one at easy. I even find myself calmer and more used to him now even as I increasingly find him looking over my shoulder. Passing his little judgement and giving me his little lectures and "history" lessons. First-person accounts of his version of the war and the wheeling and dealing of the monster and dragon race since then. I sometimes ask myself why does he even bother telling me.

Then I remember that he feeds off misery. That should be enough to motivate him. Then I ask myself why do I listen and let his words from the last couple of times echo though my head.

"Just what I'd expect from a dragon. Can't you be more adaptable and less predictable?

"Is the thought that 'you define your religion and your religion does not define you' a concept too lofty for you to comprehend?"

"Come on, my dear little dragon. Giving up already?"

  
  


Consider this, consider this 

Hint of the Century 

Consider this - slip 

That brought me to my knees, pale 

What if all these fantasies come flailing aground

And now I've said too much

  
  


He'd give me various pieces of advise like to forget my former life as a priestess, belittling the importance I used to put in it when it's gone. I, especially, hate those parts. No one knows how much my religion once meant for me. For Cephied's Sake, I chose it as my profession! 

I remember all the wishes and dreams that I used to hold. How I would rise through the ranks of my order. The good that I would accomplish. If I told anyone of my old dreams, they would misunderstand and point that I posses the failings of pride and ambition, which is not true. I always just wanted to make a difference. I grew up on stories of the battles and struggles of dragon heroes saving the order of the world. That's why I felt so empowered when I was given the job to find the ones to fulfill the prophesy.

But all my old dreams and visions have vanished, leaving behind doubt when I found out what happened. Now I'm left bereft of any hopes except those of survival and that I will succeed as a mother...

He's still standing there waiting for a reaction from me. He must get more energy from anger than sorrow. Why else would he taunt me so? My crying fits last for hours as I wait to cry myself to sleep. In contrast, my temper tantrums are over so quickly, that they leave me spent and so tired that I quickly go to sleep deeply.

Sometimes, just sometimes I'm kinda thankful that he's there... Sometimes.

Of course I'd never tell him that.

  
  


I thought that I heard you laughing 

I thought that I heard you sing 

I think I thought I saw you try 

  
  


He seems to be in a strange mood tonight. Probably in reaction to my lack of reaction. I'm not tensed and braced like I usually am. I'm just too tired and await the little wounds he's sure to inflict.

"I repeat my previous question. What is my purpose of being here? Please Filia. Tell me."

I looked up, numbly, bored at him, as I continue, "To taunt your vanquished enemy. To taunt and revel in misery of the last member of your adversaries as she is broken and bleeding, symbolically before you. No doubt you will tire of this and will break my body for real one day." My answer doesn't seem to please him. Good.

"Oh, Filia. Yet again only looking at the surface." He sighs.

"What? You have another mission in tormenting me? Oh. I forgot. A free meal in addition to a nice pastime."

  
  


But that was just a dream, that was just a dream 

  
  


He turned away from me to fidget with some items on the mantle piece of the room's fireplace.

"You just don't understand..."

"No I don't. I don't understand. I'm just a silly little dragon who can't get a single lesson through her head. Are you at least happy now?"

"Since when do you care if I'm happy or not?" He smirks but still doesn't seem too pleased. He seems almost regretful that I could never discern someone feeling with out looking in their eyes.

"Why do you care if I understand you or not?"

  
  


That's me in the corner 

That's me in the spotlight

Losing my religion 

Trying to keep a view

And I don't know if I can do it

Oh, no I said too much, I haven't said enough 

  
  


"Maybe I understand your situation and your pain more than you think. I can taste pain, Filia. But you really shouldn't be having the pain you are having. I don't know why you don't realize that..."

"Oh please..." I mutter in disbelief. He seems a little annoyed at being interrupted.

"Could you let me finish? I thought that they would teach you some manners as a dragon priestess. I was about to say..."

"Don't give me your false sympathy!!" I snap, trying to choke back the sobs already bubbling up my throat. "You have no idea what it is like to have the basis behind your whole existence shaken!" I scream in his face before spinning away so I wouldn't have to show him the tears that were once again starting and go sit on the bed. 

I just wish that he would go away and let me cry myself to sleep.

"You don't know that." He says quietly. Somehow the way he said it sent shivers down my spine as he turned to leave. "You are a silly little dragon. You really know nothing."

"Yeah right. Something can shake the great servant of the Greater Beast? Talk about a dream. And even if that thing existed it would be a secret."

"Not as much as I'd like."

  
  


I thought that I heard you laughing 

I thought that I heard you sing 

I think I thought I saw you try 

But that was just a dream 

Try, cry, fly, try 

That was just a dream 

  
  


"Come on!" I laugh. "You? Xellos? And what is this frightening thing?" I laugh at the mere thought that he would tell me. I laugh cruelly, so cruelly, at myself, as I look away, trying to wipe away the tears that won't stop. 

Silly little dragon.

But the laughter and tears freeze as his response echoes back to me as he disappears.

"You."

I spin quickly to face him but he has already left. With that one word he managed to give me the biggest blow of them all. Leaving more dazed and confused than I have ever been before.

  
  


Just a dream

Just a dream, dream 

*~*~*

Give me praise. Give me flames. Just don't give me silence.-BJW


End file.
